A trip to Crowborough is normally a testing game at the best of times, the run up to this game was proving to be more and more testing as the week went on.

With the game being moved from Hellingly to Crowborough due to the sodden Hellingly pitch a difficult day was always going to be on the cards. Your never sure what to expect when you go to Crowborough, you either play of the pitch which feels like its on the edge of a mountain or you get the privilege of playing on a pitch saturated with water and pig s**t.

Whilst the seconds had managed to scrape together a team in the days running up to the game, with numerous players being lost to the 1^st team and seemingly half of the normal squad injured, on holiday or not allowed out to play the team was looking depleted at close of play on the eve of the game. The much dreaded phone call from the 1^st team skipper happened and the team was then down to 14, two further players crying off at the 11^th hour the squad was down to 12!

The prospect of going to Crowborough (with respect a team that should be beaten) with 12 players was not too exciting.

Many phone calls were made throughout the week and especially on the morning of the match, thanks at this stage must be paid to Roger & Ronnie for their support and helping to keep the “ship afloat”.

An opportune phone call from Steve Kirk topped the numbers back up to 13 and whilst walking around the pub car park before leaving Colin arrived with kit making 14 people in the team. Kev Saunders was seen leaving the White Hart and was told to go home and get kit, the unbelievable had happened and by some way of a miracle, Hellingly would head off to Crowborough with 15 bodies!

The recruitment had cost Hellingly dear, arriving 40 minutes before kick off is always less than ideal. The “old boys” stood around comparing blood pressure tablets, for anyone who was interested, Ripley had the strongest tablets?!?

With Jim Bedford hotfooting it from Eastbourne, Hellingly some how had a front row this was something unbelievable.

During the actual warm up, discussions were held regarding who should be lifted after fits of laughter from Jarvo and numerous failed attempts, it was decided that Kirky wasn’t the jumper he used to be, cometh the hour, cometh the man, Linden stepped forward and amongst much shouting of “Yeah, come on you f*****s its Linden time!” he actually worked up to be a half decent jumper. The plan was that at line outs, Linden would go up at 2, Ronnine step into scrum half and Kirky take the crash ball.

One small snag was noted when it emerged that we didn’t have a ref, much sweet talking convinced the Crowborough skipper that he wanted to ref the match although this would be his first senior contest. He agreed to do it if the injured Hellingly skipper on the sidelines monitored his performance and gave feedback, as ever I was happy to oblige and have always got an opinion about things.

During the commotion in getting players and sorting the ref out it had slipped my mind that I wasn’t playing, Ollie was away with the 1sts and I needed to appoint a captain on the pitch, Mike Searle was the lucky/unlucky person (depending on what way you look at it), Searly obliged in a cloudy of panic and confusion.

The game got underway with Hellingly kicking into the Crowborough half, rucks were turned over, the ball was kicked back and forth until Hellingly had a decisive break down the right wing, started I believe by Bruce who was making several dangerous runs and looked a potent threat going forward. Kev Saunders popped up to score in the corner. Some say that the try can be attributed to the very smart looking shorts that he had.

Crowborough hit back straight away with a huge hole appearing between the outside centre, winger and full back to allow the Crowborough team a relatively simple run in. The conversion was provided to give Crowborough a narrow 7 – 5 lead.

Kev’s antics had obviously taken their toll as he was screaming for water and was nearly sick after a reported heavy night on the drink the night before.

The try seemed to kick Hellingly back into action, the front five started working as a unit and began to destroy the Crowborough pack much to the amazement of the Crowborough fans who had been bragging about the combined weight of their second row, supposedly around the 50 stone mark.

With the pack gaining good ground, Ronnie was given the platform he needed to start dummying and side-stepping the opposition, on many occasions leaving the rushing scrum half looking lost and confused.

Massive tackling from a very solid fly half (Ronnie) & centre combination (Jimmy & Bruce) made Crowborough think twice about attacking through those channels. A turnover meant quick ball from Ronnie to Jimmy to Bruce who set off on a barnstorming run through the Crowborough defence, only to tweak a hamstring 10 yards and pass the ball forward.

This obviously wound the pack up as the resulting scrum was a one sided affair as the pack destroyed the Crowborough scrum leaving Kirky a simple pick and dive for the line for his first try of the season. Ronnie picked up his first points of the day with the conversion.

At some point during the last few minutes of the half, Linden popped up to score his first of the season. Again Ronnie added a further two points.

An honourable mention should go to Colin Murphy who went close in the first half.

Half time came with Hellingly leading 19 – 7.

Although enjoying the lion share of the ball in the first half Hellingly were being turned over at rucks a few times too often. But credit where credit is due for a team assembled in a pub car park the boys were pushing the opposition and really disrupting their game.

The second half got underway with Crowborough playing into the afternoon sun, something that Hellingly were unable to exploit as the sun slipped behind the trees.

Again the boys were solid in the second half, Crowborough had made a change that seemed to sure up their scrum, this and a mix of the quick ball they were playing at scrum time meant that the Hellingly advantage had all but vanished.

The second half was a bit more physical than the first with Jimmy Still making solid tackles at his new found position of inside centre. Searly taking some opposition ball at the tackle zone and Hellingly hitting the rucks hard following their half time “discussion”.

Several big Hellingly players were having a good game, with Jules looking to carry the ball and starting to make the impact that we all know he could. Ripley was his usual wrecking ball self and as ever the whole team were committed.

Continuous phases of possession resulted in another Hellingly try, the scorer of which is debatable as both Roger & Jim claimed they scored, too far away to call, but it was a try for the front row. Giving Hellingly a 24 – 7 lead.

Hellingly pressure and more phases resulted in a scrum on the Crowborough 5 metre line from which the ball was recycled to Mike Searle who crossed for his second try of the season. Hellingly now led 29 – 7

The game then descended into a “punchy” affair with a fight breaking out of the halfway line which was started by a trip by the Crowborough open side who had been offending throughout the match and was lucky not to be binned. Allegedly he took offence to something that someone had done to his brother, the ref was unsighted, both captains got a talking too and the matter was considered done and dusted.

A quick Crowborough try from a well worked line out move gave a score of 29 – 12.

After some fruitless periods of Hellingly play the final whistle blew.

Man of the match: Jimmy Still for a massive performance at inside centre.

After the match comments regarding “Dad’s army” were thrown around but on a serious note the lads ground out a result and made the young “whippersnappers” they were playing realise the folly of youth.

Incidentally, the average age of the team was a whopping 37 years 6 months and 16 days (roughly)

Team: 1) Paul Jarvis 2) Roger Simmons 3) Jim Bedford 4) Paul Ripley 5) Julian Thackery 6) Richard Jones 7) Mike Searle (c) 8) Steve Kirk 9) Linden Duncan 10) Ron Francis

11) Colin Murphy 12) Jimmy Still 13) Bruce 14) Kevin Saunders 15) Ross Hollister